What’s one positive trait you’ve gained because of BPD?
14.06.2025 22:00
But im dying ,and its too late for me.
We were not on the streets..
19 years ,i spent with dear old papa.
How can I remove decimals in math?
And as she herself ,wasn’t kissed or touched as a child.
Why do we forgive? Because if we don,t
I will be 64.
Anyway, i told my husband ,and he was gobsmacked.
He did pay me though, i made him (.After i’d trudged miles to get his pension ) Before ,it all was gone, over the pubs counter!
The same beautiful brown eyes my mother loved so much!
Those are used to try and block the pain, like that of my life out..
His abuse (his own) began at 2 years of age. His mothers friend, sexually abused him, from the age of 2.
I couldn’t, believe it.
The apprentership one gets in Extreme Big T Trauma childhood is insight and extreme awarness.
I might have to go back 30 generations or more..
Ther’s very good reasons why i was left alone.
I'm British and I hate my glasses. Are prescription glasses better in New York City?
Im kind ,and give many things, inc money ,to any of persons in need. I have a groups of homeless beggars ..i help out daily. They all know me by name!
One was a lump hammer, another was a iron chisel.
As i do to all so called friends.?
Why do women change that much more with age?
As she had lost her son ,to fatty liver disease!
We all went to grammer schools
I was writing from the time i was a small child.
I had many talking therapys , but they just don,t work.
And i know him well ,and every thing about him. This relationship, is the only real one iIve been able to keep!
It will be my last birthday ,as im dying of a brain tumor and 8 other autoimune diseases.
Why do black people prefer thick, curvy women?
As his daughter ,he didn’t even think I wouldn,t do it. (Look after him)
She stayed with him because she thought he,d grow out of it. He didn’t of course!
But im an empath, and i help lots of people.
We didn’t no it wasn;t normal life..we were isolated, and taken from Dublin in Ireland ,where our whole mothers family lived , to Liverpool in England!
Yes, a stroke or heart attack is the reason on your death certificate.
But im a psyci anyway, and i read energy and people, .
Is visiting holy shrines (dargahs) or graves haraam in Islam?
Would this be the day?
So whats the point in blame.
I waited trembling.
He had many friends, who didn,t know the home devil he was, for his sake ,i never enlighted them either.
But, we were locked up after school.
Where the ultimate outsiders.
Its a big thing in the States for the last 25 years.
The coal was sharp, and i usually had no underware! So my bare arse ,was cut and rossened on the coal..
So he went home with my mum to her 2 other children.
Because huge Trauma like mine is alive.
We wern’t close any more, the family fractured, after my Mothers death, and seeing me annoyed them ,as i was the familys scapegoat..
His mum and dad ,were Alcoholics!
It comes from Big T Trauma and is no fault of anyone who has it.
He took out the hammer, and explained again, how the smallest tap ,of this hammer would kill me in a second.
And if you hold on to hate you only die inside yourself,!
I was grabbed out of my mother hung upside down, and rushed up to the prenatal ward, to spend 4 mths alone, with, only medical staff.
Thats being isolated in a house, locked up as a child .We never saw any people except in School and we had no relatives in Liverpool!
But my sister and my other 3 brothers wouldn’t have come near him every again!
My family never makes their pension either.
But i am married 43 years to my husband this July !
Im still living with it.
He knew the spot.
He weighed in at 5 lbs .I was the second born, and i weighed 3 and a half pounds.
Then he’ d take out his beloved lump hammer ,show it to the kids.
A line in front of him, from the eldest to the youngest.
They look at me amazed ,and ask me how i could possibly know it?
She married twice! .
She said her life with him ,was love, and spoke to me of all the passion, it had brought her.
I was 9 years of age.
You’d think that being brought up for so long, in those terrible circumsatances ,i would know the ways of people ,and the world, but i wasn,t in , nor of the world .
I wasn’t taught any boundries, our home ,was like any war zone , and Dad told us, he had bodies buried, under the floor boards.
He was dying to do it , i knew.
I have no regrets .
I could never make a relationship work though!
When she asked me how she looked .
Im a true spealist, because i study it for years .And i still do..
My life is so biszare .
She was in good health!
He’d bring us out ,and we would form the position .
I was the most vunerable of my siblings. I was born small ,and was sickly ,and of course none of us could ever thrive!
Trauma lives in the body, as ive explained, but it actually this that kills you in the end.
Put me off passion for life!!
I did write a poem about him though, and my mum.
And when you live in a life , of being terrified, and shocked, and permantly stressed; especially as a child born in to all this .
Its mostly always from childhood abuse .
Although he,d calmed down a bit ..he still shouted his orders at me and thought , my older sister would be better at the job..
You don’ t get a state one here , in England ? until your at least 67 yrs old ! Im 63.
He’d sit me down, and stand behind the chair, Then he’d make a great show of his beauty (the chesil )and place it behind my neck ,at the base!
I do have abandomment issues but they come from being left alone ,without my mum, or any of my family in a incubator for 4 months.
My dad was a alcholic psychopath, and violent in the extreme.
With Catholic nuns and Church on Sundays.
He call us down, from where ever he stashed each one of us ,that day ! We were kept seperate.!
I only stopped writing poetry recently, because , of my brain tumor
As is all addictions, people can’t leave off.
Why did i forgive my father ?
Do all the shopping, and cooking and look after all the dogs.
But ive been too sick for many years..
Im dying but, im not bitter.
So i became my fathers slave and he hated me the most.
I was scared of men, in general
What did i know ?
She died young (from the stress and abuse of Big T Trauma) of liver cancer!
She loved him until the end.
We were all going out this night to a fancy resteraunt.
She was a women, a mother with her own children!.
I got to know the terrible awful childhood, he had himself. And his Jolly Pub Persona.
I did it because my mum asked me too!
Like some twisted love , they where addicted to each other
Also my liver and lungs are fatally diseased!
I worked then as a chef ,and a very good one.
I immediatly know and see what their chidhood was. I tell them you had a awful time in childhood.
Your thinking ,but those kids would have been street wise?
Youll pack your bags and leave Dorset.
One cannot hold on to bitterness.
My mum and dad in the seventies!
Thats was my nicest nick name for him
One women pretended to my husband she wanted to see me for coffee ,and make friends.
(And it was in our own minds.)
Ive learnt so much.
But it wasn’t much.
But it has taught me many things other people will , never know!
.I left my 2 sons and my husband to do it. Instead of spending the day with them
My familys so full of ancestral BIG T Trauma.
This is soul school!.
I ended up cooking for her, and bringing her eveywhere with us.
And i lived it daily.
Then later on when my husband had gone to the bar..she started telling me, that they where having a affair, and that he loved her much more then me ,and other loads of visious lies.
Mine was extreme ,and lasted 19 years
I never cut or harmed myself..
One of his many names for me was Runt .He like that it rhymed with (well you know)
All the time i was locked up.
But there where , these other acts only us 2 girls, would receive, (When id have rather had his lump hammer , and chisel.).
One cannot live in the past .
But people really die of the Big T Trauma!!
Especially a lifetime of it.
5 of us kids, and it wasn’t a big house.
Why ? because Trauma depletes the immune system.you get terribley ill , with chronic disease from all the horror ,and stress of it.
Because , i didnt have the heart to hurt my friend.!.
Was to survive, this bastard.
She wouldn,t have been !
That life, was meant to be , as the world teaches us great lessons, and leaves us many gifts.
Even in the coal hole, i said the lines in my head..
Stress hormones Adrenaline and Cortosol ,would have flooded my brain, and they never left it!!!!
Trauma never leaves you! Its actually lives in the fashia ,of the body .The connective tissue.
He isn,t a very sexual person at the best of times!
Took her away on holiday ,with us, my 2 pugs her dog, a Jack Russell.
I had offered the whole expense of the holiday to her, free.
But i went to school ,and was locked up evey evening , until he was off out on a bender..then mum would set us free, and we,d be bouncing off the walls,
As i gave and gave ,everything to people, they began to use me.
Everytime, i saw a chronically ill person in middle years.
So, i spoilt her more .
Being very nice and never wanting to say the wrong thing.
He said i’d end up like her, and he laughed his big rolicking bear of a laugh!
I only knew my twisted world , and there, is no choice for a child but to live in it. Or Die in it!
Who then, do I blame.?
She died at 55 of colon cancer.
I am a twin , my twin is a boy called Alan. I had a sister and 2 other brothers
I know ,a lot about trauma.
I forgave my father,, and in those years i cleaned and looked after him .
I forgave my father, and i took care of him ,until his death in 1999..my mum left us on the 29th Jan 1998.
Due to the real legacy of trauma (B.P.D)
The only rule us 5 kids had .
This is how, and why children get BPD.
I think the readers, may guess!
We could never speak unless he spoke to us!
As i said though i will be 64 on my last birthday!
She was deluded, and thought she could stay on for the reminder of the holiday!
Another so called friend had bit the dust..
She found it foreign!.
I watched his eyes light up and his twisted smile rejoice, in his joy of it all.
He said i reminded him of an old aunt ,who used to beat him, and when the menapause came, she was placed in a mental home and never was released ,until she died.
But he said ,he was sick of her anyway ,and only put up with her as i had a friend ,and seemed to be happy.
Its like, taking poison, and hoping the other person will die.
He was a brick layer (when he worked at all) and he carried his tools around ,hanging from a money belt.
Comes on , in middle age.
Although we always gave her a kiss on the cheek. She would shrink away from it!
I let him have the joy of his friends( that i would never know myself.!)
I write beautiful poetry .
I had hoped to write a book about this .
My only sister also couldn,t make her life work.
It was going to be , some day.
They are buried together, in the same grave..
The only way to get rid of it forgood ,is sommence therapy,
Her first husband, had been a gay man ,and he was a lovely person.
When he wanted one of his lessons to be taught!
We born here on earth , for the soul to learn , the contrast, of heaven.
I was seconnd youngest,
At this time i had honed my heart to the same, as that of a lion and i knew i wouldn’t beg or cry ,nor plead.
And, all my friends down the years ,where users.
Im constanly in a state of FLIGHT or FIGHT my whole life
I don,t even have a pension.
He resisted the act ,that day.
And as runt ,of the litter .Which of course, i actually was!
I was very sick at this time too.
I suffer greatly, because of BPD..
I of course replied” arh beautiful!
My place (mostly )was the coal hole..it was a small room heaped with coal .
For him, I cleaned and cooked and shopped, and spent the whole day, doing a weeks work) in the only day off, i had, besides Sunday.)
Insight, and i can spot a wrongin from 3 miles away.
She got all dolled up, but it looked as she was dressed up to play the part of , Florence Nightingale ,as she descended down the cottage stairs ,like a Queen.
And don,t forget my 4 months alone, in the incubator. Knowing my brother in the womb and my mother voice .The baby knows she’s alone!
Anyway ,i could never hold on to a relationship.
On the 31st of Jan this month .
My twin will have involuntary pissed himself, but not me at least not, that day!
BPD only comes to a person who has suffered childhood trauma.
Rather to engertic for me ,with my terrible health, but i was left to run the house, it was a Cottage in Dorset.
And who doesn’t know suffering?
I said to her
And ive living now since 2005, on disablement .(Which is a pittance)
My mother wasn’t a tactile women ..only as babes could she touch us. After we grew ,she couldn,t touch any of us.